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ok WTF [13 Feb 2004|12:38pm]

shadow_ronin
[ mood | Restless ]

Am I the only one that even likes doing this?..lmfao

I've done the last FOUR lengthy entries. Jeez...you all must keep something hidden from me. And just come in to laugh at me or something.....

-shrugs and walks off-

Final Prayer?

Ha Ha Ha....I'm such a fucker. [11 Feb 2004|07:03pm]

shadow_ronin
[ mood | Dark ]

So yeah, I woke up today at 10:35, when I had already told Jordan that I would get up at 10. I did wake up at 10. But I hit snooze three times after. But I woke to one of her messages which was nice. But I was still late. Anyway I missed out on talking to her. And then I started quickly getting ready for my Settlement Conference...The settlement? The City of Mt. Pleasant vs. Salvatore Russo.....etc etc...cuz I got piss ass drunk, fucked up with alcohol poisoning. So I spit in some chicks face....tag me for Simple Assault.

Now the choice I made. I plead quilty to simple assault, and they dropped the M.I.P. With recommendation for no jail. So I go speak to a judge on MARCH 8TH!!!...And by then, I will have hopefully solved, or at least substantially gained some control. Which is to my rent and utilities. -shakes his head-...On top of that, the certain and indefinite breaking of the ties with my father. And more likely, my family. But I explained that a bit in the last entry. -grumbles- But what's everyone just keep saying to me? "You bring this all on yourself JJ."...Everyone says this to me. But they just can't see it through my eyes. It's hard for them to understand my reasoning. Which makes it harder for them to get closer to me. Maybe they are right. Maybe I bring this all upon myself. But why do I punish myself more than you huh? Why do I say. I am the only person who can kick my ass? Nobody can beat my ass like I can....If you don't like the way I am, and the way I think and feel, then fine. You don't have to be around me. I used to live my life, just trying to help everyone I could. My Mom and Dad, for their fucked up shit, tried time and time again not to piss Phil off. But it was so god damn easy. So boom, he'd hall off and kick my ass. My neighbor Mrs. Nardoulli...My friends Andrew, Luke, Lindsay....Known them since I was like fuckin 4,5,6 years old. Met a few others along the way. But those three. Anytime...ANYTIME...there was a fight. It was always expected of me and Andrew to fight for them. So he would become my partner in this shit. And rule the fuckin joint. In like the 6th grade. Lindsay and I dated each other..and yeah, it was that little kid bullshit. Holding hands, skating with your hands together during the 'slow' music....Jesus christ I look back at myself and stare half in humor, and half in disbelief. Sometimes I'll snicker...

So I was always expected to do something from everyone. If they would have just backed the fuck up, and let me breath for a fuckin second and lay back, they wouldn't see my short temper. They would push me enough to say "Hey, leave me the fuck alone." And then shit hit the fan. People thought I was this. Thought I was that. Cocky because I was "too good for them"...etc and what the fuck ever...(Being the Manager's Son all my life is simple explanation for some of that.)

Bitching, drama, crying, fighting, loss, and nothing to gain. No respect, not even an adequate fucking thank you.

Me: "Hey bro. Remember that time, we fought Mike and his little brother. I can't remember, what's his name?"

Andrew: "You mean Sean?"

Me: "Yeah!"

Andrew: "Yeah what about him?"

Me: "I just remember that just before that. You socked him so damn hard he fucking dropped and rolled under that car. Then sean was gonna get tough like he was gonna do some shit with his little punk ass. And I stepped in front of him...Makin sure is bitch ass couldn't run up and start tryin to rabbit punch the fuck outta ya. And then the time I fought Mike. I was standing there telling Sean to shut the fuck up. And then Mike's bitch ass sucker punched me, then tackled me to the ground. When I rolled with him I started poundin on his face. Then stood up, and kicked his ass square in the gut. You jumped in and pushed me away from him all. 'He's got Asthma!'...and I was like. WTF? If he's got asthma then he should keep his fucking mouth shut and step the fuck back before he gets pushed the fuck back."

Andrew: "Yeah dude..That was a cool time bro." -goes back to playing streetfighter-

Me: -goes back to playing streetfighter.-

Nothing was said after that. I just shut the fuck up and kicked his ass in streetfighter with Ken and Fei Long.

Then when the parents thing happened I moved and went to a new school.

But anyway...I'll end this with a cool song that Jordan said was a "JJ song"

Away From The Sun - 3 Doors Down.

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone do what I've done
I missed life
I missed the colours of the world
Can anyone go where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I've known

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun

That shines the life away from me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't do what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Final Prayer?

HA HA HA...Fuck what your parents say [10 Feb 2004|03:39pm]

shadow_ronin
[ mood | indifferent ]

So yeah, I'm sittin here now with a smirk on my face.

I got into an arguement today with my father. And what's funny, is that he is the biggest dildo in the world. Seriously the guy's a fuckin crack-up, cuz he thinks he's so damn wise. But really he acts like a fuckin idiot.

He and I were talking on the phone today, and as fucking usual he is going on and on, droning on and on about how I should live my life, and what I should do with my life. And as usual I sat there silent on the phone, just listening to him jabber on and on. And basically what started him going off on his rant, was the fact that I didn't want to join the Air Force, and that I felt like taking care of my life, and taking care of shit up here where I live. And he starts going on about how the Air Force would give me the discipline that I need and yada yada yada, like he was a fucking poster boy for the god damn armed forces. And at the end when I told him that I was going to try and solve stuff up here, he was like...

"Well..if that's what you decided then fine. But I am not sending you another fucking penny."

Those were his exact words. What did I say?

"Alright.."

And then like the fuckin retard he is. He's all "Don't say alright to me motherfucker!" And his voice was all gritted and he said it in a low tone as if he was trying to hide his anger like someone was right near him or something. I'm like WTF?...So I say..

"Whatever Dad, I didn't call you to get a fuckin lecture. Bye. -click-"

Which I -know- that pissed him off. And then he calls me back and again he's angry as usual. And I had just fuckin had it. I told him to quit assuming so much shit about me. And that he really doesn't know a damn thing about me. Yeah I 'kinda' look like him (which I really don't, at least not that much. I don't look like anyone in my family.) But just because I may look like him and have a temper like he does. Doesn't mean I am like him completely. I have my own mindset and he has his...But anyway

So we had this arguement, and now he wants to get all tough like "Fine I'm gonna come up and get all my stuff there." Goin on about how he has property up here such as the Sofa and Loveseat. Well what I guess he doesn't understand is possession is 9/10 of the law. And after thirty days, this shit is mine. And I've been living here for over 30 days. So really none of this shit in here is his anymore, it's mine. And he can't come and get it, because if he does -want- to get it that bad. He'd have to commit B&E to get it. The most this man can do to me now is shut my cell phone off. Which is fine by me because I don't want anything to do with the man.

And I don't have a problem with keeping this shit even if he thinks it's his. Because him not having this furniture is not hurting him at all one bit. I need the furniture, and technically this shit is mine. He can try to take me to small claims court for it, but the problem with that is I have a witness that says this shit has been here for over 30 days. My name's on the lease, so he can't come in unless I allow him to.

So HA HA FUCK YOU DAD.

So once and for all I am completely on my own, and I'll be honest. Yes I will miss my little brother. But fuck..I hardly talked to him, and I know he's doing just fine. As for the rest of them, they can all kiss my ass. I'm sick and fucking tired of my Dad's shit, so what's gonna happen. Is he is gonna rally the rest of the family to hate me, and ya know what. I DON'T CARE. Because I have my own life to live, and I'll create my own family that loves me. And I'm already well on my way..-winks to Jordan-

I honestly don't know what else to say about this. Other than my father is a fucking child. And he just won't see it. He will sit there and cast judgement down on people all the damn time. And I've been witness to it, in regards to how he refers to people in the TRAILER PARK that he manages. He judges people, and on top of that he assumes so much. He assumed that my remark "Alright" was some kind of attitude. And I told him simply that I said alright because I understood why he didn't want to send me another dime. I understood why he couldn't and wouldn't help me monetarily. And because I understood, in his little mind, he thought that I was giving him attitude. Again an example that the man assumes too much. So in the end he wants to cut ties from me. -shrugs- That's cool with me. But I guess that just means that he doesn't want to get any of his shit back ever...

I'm actually smiling about this...I don't know why. Honestly before, I would feel like my world was coming down around me because he didn't want to have anything to do with me. But now I simply don't give a fuck. He can go sell his little digi-tags like the shady park manager he is, and that's that. I guess he doesn't understand that I've been witness to the amount of deception that he will go to. And now he's gonna get it all put back on him from me, because I am sick of his shit. He wants to be a dick, well then I'm gonna prove to him that I can be a bigger asshole than he is. And if he does commit B&E, then I will put his ass in jail for the felony...heh

I am so sick of it. That if he does commit B&E, I will put him, Lorraine (step-mom) and Phil (older bro) in jail, because they are going to be with him. Thus the are aiding and embeddin with a felonious act. Another thing is, people might say. "Well if you take them three away what's gonna happen with Nick?" (Little bro)...You wanna know what will happen to him? He'll go live with my mother down in florida where he'll have a much better life than living with my dickhead father. Who if he doesn't get it his way, he's willing to try and cripple a person. And that's what he's trying to do to me. And I'm not gonna allow him the chance too. I'll cripple him if he decides to try some shit...

Yeah...I'm fuckin done with him.

Final Prayer?

Ode To My Stupidity [23 Jan 1970|03:06am]

shadow_ronin
[ mood | scared ]

Well. It certainly has been an active two days for me. I sit here and type this very weakly. The muscles in my arms seem to fail me, and ache. As tiny shots of pain course through them up my arms. Burning my biceps, and giving a stabbing feeling within my shoulders. Then traveling from my shoulders, to my neck, and straight up the back of my head. And then finally down my spine into my hips. Making my back give way to force as well. And the legs I have barely support me. But throughout the physical pain, the mental pain strikes me worse. -shakes his head- I am truly dissapointed in myself. And squarely myself.

Last night for the Superbowl, I was hanging out over at my bro's house. Both Allen and I, as well as Ted my roommate, was drinking. We had two tiny shots of tequila, mixed into a Jack Daniels Downhome Punch into the Jack's half gallon container. That was our chaser. And we chased a liquor called Fighting Cock, which is 103 proof. 51% pure alchohol. So throughout the course of the game, we had consumed all that. Then during the last half mind you. I got that tanked before the football game's 4th quarter even began. Then during the beginning of the fourth quarter. Allen, Ted, and I decided to walk to the liquor store. And buy a 5th of Mad Dog. Of course I downed a cup full of that. And then the game ended.

There was a half an hour left before 11 when I left Allen's. But where did I go? I went to a party that Ted left with Lonnie and Alanna all went to. So I went and found the party after they left because it was close. And I was already feeling good. I figured I would go, talk for a little bit, and then get home to talk to Jordan.

However what I did was, get a challenge from an Indian dude. And he was going on about how he could outdrink everyone there. And wanted to see who would be brave enough to do Tequila Shots with him, and match him. But he didn't have shot glasses. All he had was a bottlf of Tequila. So he took a swig from the bottle and handed it to me because he took a big gulp. Well I just downed the rest of the bottle. And that is what did it to me. I stumbled home, and got in my room. Then all I remember are the flashes of some of the things that went on last night. I recieved alchohol poisoning, and what's worse. Is I lashed out at everybody. It was crazy...from what I was told

I was puking up blood. Trying to destroy things and people. I just lost control over every fucking thing. And I just didn't see myself doing it. I was close to dying last night. And if it hadn't been for Allen and Carrie I would have. I am just so dissappointed in myself, for putting Jordan, Allen, Carrie, and my family through it. As a result I had to go to the emergency room. Allen was trying to control me all night long. Shoving me, I fell into my stand by my bed and broke it. When the paramedics got there, I actually spit in a female paramedic's face. Now charged with an MIP and Simple Assault. They brought me to the hospital, had me in restraints. Putting vinegar in my IV. I was thrashing against the restraints. I do remember a nurse putting a pissing can thing in my lap so I could piss. But I couldn't do it laying down. And what did they do. They stuck a cathodor in me. I don't know how to spell that.

I have just fucked up so bad. Now I have fines and charges on top of my rent that's late. While I'm trying to get the job at McDonalds. -sighs-

My brother said "You're just now starting to hit Rock Bottom."

But ya know what. FUCK THAT.

I am not hitting rock bottom. I almost fuckin died from this shit. So now shit is going to change. I am not putting another fuckin drop of alchohol in my mouth. Ever. And if people don't believe me all "Yeah everyone says that." Well then fuck you, because I am god damn serious.

I'm gonna figure a way out of this little shithole i've put myself into. And I'm gonna start doing what I want to do. Like writing my book. I'm gonna take classes for some creative writing when I get up enough money. I'm gonna be with Jordan, if she can still stand me throughout all this, and for definite.
I feel so weak. But yet at the same time, from this I'm only going to be stronger than ever. You watch.

Final Prayer?

Drunkin Stupor [01 Feb 2004|01:04am]

shadow_ronin
[ mood | drunk ]

So I'm sitting on my computer. Feeling the affects of alchohol...and I don't even know if that's the right fuckin spelling for that word. I'm drinkin shit I don't even know how to spell, wtf is with that huh?...

Anywho. I'm sittin here, on my computer, cuz I don't have shit else to do. And I've been drinking some...I've had...a half a fifth of Mad Dog, and some other shit in a Mt. Dew 2 liter that I don't even know what it is. My neighbor Allen just said "here drink this" so what did I do? I downed it. Why? Cuz I just dont' give a fuck...

Currently I am listening to I'm Shady by Eminem, so I'm gonna change the song right quick, and then see where that song takes me into this little entry. And yes, it's sad when you can sit here, and be a bit innebriated and still fuckin type with the excellence of Gods...heh..

So now I changed the song to As The World Turns by who? Oh gee..Eminem...lmao..Yeah he's my favorite musical artist, and if ya dont' like it, suck my fuckin cock. That's all I got to say about that..

Ok, I'm not feelin the vibe from this song, it's too old school eminem. Gonna change it again.

Oh now we got a song here. Words Are Weapons by who? Eminem.(yeah, fuck you again)...lol

But honestly think about this. You could beat someone to a pulp. Beat them until their eyes are bleeding, they have no nose, or teeth. Arms broken, leg's broken. But what does that do for you? NOTHING, except for the thrill of the fight. What's more dangerous? WORDS. Why? Because let's get an example here.

Ok if I were to say to someone, whom looked up to me, and loved me with all their heart. And said something derogatory, or something to put them down. They would be affected way worse than anything I could ever do with my fists right? That's why words are weapons. Because they can do more damage than any physical action in the world..heh.

Ok so now I'm listening to Linkin Park - Numb. And ya know. You sit back and think about this song. And what does it say to you? "I'm tired of being what you want me to be." Who's that speakin to? More often than not, people will put this song to whom? Someone who dissapproves of what you're doing right? But who usually dissapproves of you? Parents? Family members? People you love?

Yeah well, any way you slice it. In life you can dissapoint many people. From your parents for not being exactly what they wanted you to be. To some bum off the street who asks for money, and you decline. They become dissappointed because you dont' wanna give them the money to go buy the crack they want to smoke...Prime example

When I was living in florida. I was on my way to work at a restaurant called Dave's Last Resort. And as I left my apartment on my way to work. Some dude wanted to sell me some cigarettes so that he could get money to eat. I told him to keep the smokes, and I would get him a meal off my discount. I said I'd even buy him the meal. And he turned it down, and gave me a scornfull look. Why? not because he wanted food. But because he wanted drug money. Which is exactly why I wouldn't give him money. Ok..no more of this song...lol..This may be a long passage. Because my girlfriend is practically ignoring me, cuz she's Rping with a bitch I can't exactly tolerate.

-goes to switch the song-

Ok now onto Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park. Where do I belong? where do you belong? Do we really know where we belong? or are we just here to be apart of all the fucked up shit that goes on throughout life? That's what I'm beginning to think...or maybe I'm not making any sense. But ok.

Ok here we go. A song that actually means something deep to me. Papercut by Linkin Park.

If you listen to the words..here, I'll give them to you...

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
or how the pressure was fed but
I know what it feels like
to have a voice in the back of my head
It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(and watches everything)
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
that the face inside is hearing me right underneath my skin

(Chrous)
It's like I'm paranoid lookin over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop but I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I know I've got a face in me
points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too and
your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everyone acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can
but everyone has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close their eyes
A face watches everytime they lie
A face that laughs everytime they fall
(and watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too right inside your skin


(chrous 2x)

Face inside is right beneath you skin 3x

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me(2x)

(chorus)
It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back,
It's like a worldwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within (3x)
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin.


This is my life in a way. Always fighting with myself. It seems to me, that when people say.."You're your own worst enemy" that takes on a whole new level with me. I am my own worst enemy, because in my mind I am combative to no end. Always thinking about what the right decision is.

Bah...now I've gotten pissed off. So I will have to end this little entry. Until next time.

1 ScriptureScripture ¤ Final Prayer?

So far beyond pissed. [31 Jan 2004|12:02pm]

sorrowsmisery
[ mood | pissed off ]

So pissed right now. =\ went to bed at 5 am, layed there till 8, finally fell asleep, ryan wakes me up at 10 by yelling at the cat. -.- then he comes in at 11:30 and wakes me up. I just layed there until he left. Then he came back in with alexis and sat her right on my back which hurt considering the way I was laying on the bed =\ So I get up and goto the bathroom, brush my teeth and shit and while in there I hear ryan yelling at alexis in our room. Didnt know what was going on so I went in, she had broken a glass. He was freaking out at her, I was standing there staring at him, cause it looked like he was gonna kick her. =\ he didnt and I started yelling at him telling him he should've known better than to leave a glass in her arms reach. -.- and I tell him it isn't her fault that it is his, well he turns around and says it is her fault and so on. So I said fuck it and walked out. Then he follows me and yells at me, telling me to be ready by the time he gets back. I dont even want to fucking go outside today. I mean, yeah I need ajob, but I should be looking for a job when Im happy, not fucking pissed. ugh. ~_~ I feel like just grabbing her right now and walking out on him. I should too. -.-

3 ScriptureScripture ¤ Final Prayer?

Things aren't as bad as they seem, I guess. [30 Jan 2004|07:43pm]

leidschmerz
[ mood | anxious ]

I found out where I'm probably going to head to. I'll be looking in going on the New Orleans track during this "spiritual" journey. I came across accidentally old mortuary and cemetery and church pictures, and found out they were taken in New Orleans. It's absolutely beautiful, and something I need to see for myself.

Im going to also buy a couple of frames and stuff, and print out some of my artwork and hang them on my walls, since Jeff has encouraged me that they are really exceptional pieces. Maybe one day I can do a side business of graphic arts and photo manipulation, kind of like what Corbis.com does where they charge five bucks a picture, plus shipping and handling.

When i return to Kansas City, ready to begin my life, I'll take some pics to show you guys. I can't wait!

1 ScriptureScripture ¤ Final Prayer?

[30 Jan 2004|07:25pm]

sorrowsmisery
[ mood | annoyed ]

You know, I like to have my privacy. I'm a private person with certain subjects and people just push, trying to get in and to know what it is exactly that I'm private about. Like my 'imp' as I call him. He's annoying, =\ He persists in trying to be my friend. I don't like him, and I'm tired of him trying when trying is hopeless. x_x Men. feh. Seriously wishing my ignore function worked. >..< I want to lock myself into my own little house, lock all the doors and windows and just be alone. =\ so much easier than dealing with other peoples stupidity. *Wanders back to writing now.*

4 ScriptureScripture ¤ Final Prayer?

The obvious [30 Jan 2004|06:49pm]

shadow_ronin
[ mood | contemplative ]

When people point out the obvious most people look at them and scoff. But the simple fact of the matter is this. I point out the obvious because most people tend to miss it. And the fact is I point it out in such a way, that when I speak it shows a whole different level of understand, for actions explained. The grand old retort..

"Thanks Captain Obvious"

Why do people say this? Did they honestly -know- the obvious, or were they so oblivious to it, that they had to remark back in a scornful way? See this is my point, most people miss the obvious. They do not look at things as a natural flow, but they look at the things that are unnatural to them. This rant to me, feels like it is going nowhere. Because in my mind, this is almost a pointless thing to speak about. But what I want to touch base on, is people's tendency to feel a calling, such as our friend who has posted about her realizing her calling.

What I wish to comment on this, and my point will come around to it. Is the fact that she felt her calling to just drive. A feeling as if the calling came from some divine enlightenment, but at the same time, that places it in something unnatural. When in all reality, it could just merely be the natural course of events for her. To flow and adjust to herself. Fluidity and adaptation will take you far in life. You see, in the course of life, when something becomes 'uncomfortable'. It is merely showing you that something is preventing you from flowing with the -natural- course of life. To me comfortability is derived from the ability to flow into a situation, and adapt it to yourself to make it comfortable. It is the expression of freeing yourself. Freeing yourself from the restrictions of the situation.

Without commenting on specifics of the situation she is in. I will only say this. If it feels natural for you to just go, just drive, then that is what you should do. Keeping yourself from doing such things, is hindering your ability to flow, and attain happiness.

1 ScriptureScripture ¤ Final Prayer?

Ive Just About Had It. [30 Jan 2004|11:10am]

leidschmerz
[ mood | pissed off ]

No. Im fucking serious. I've just about had it with staying here w/ Jeff's parents. Especially when they treat me like I'm an outsider, and even though Jeff won't admit it, they treat HIM like shit also. They're so loving and affectionate with their daughters, but to us? All they do is bitch and moan how we need to improve ourselves.

Oh yeah, and then they cast rules on us that don't apply to the girls. Like, they get pissed off if I spend more than an hour a day on the net, but Jeff's sister Emily will spend six playing Tiberian Sun. Or they leave all their SHIT scattered on the table in the morning, but if I dont clean up after myself INDEFINITELY, whereas there is NO mess left (not even a crumb,) we get a mean note about how we're guests and we need to act like them.

You know what's fucking bogus? We're not guests, we're family. And we aren't even really GUESTS, they treat us like fucking burdens. I can't wait to just finally get our act together, so I can go back to my own apartment and not have to deal with this. Honestly, I hang my coat on the back of a chair in the kitchen, and find it outside on the front lawn in the morning. What the fuck is that all about? Assholes.

5 ScriptureScripture ¤ Final Prayer?

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