shadow_ronin (shadow_ronin) wrote in divine_sanctum,

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Ode To My Stupidity

Well. It certainly has been an active two days for me. I sit here and type this very weakly. The muscles in my arms seem to fail me, and ache. As tiny shots of pain course through them up my arms. Burning my biceps, and giving a stabbing feeling within my shoulders. Then traveling from my shoulders, to my neck, and straight up the back of my head. And then finally down my spine into my hips. Making my back give way to force as well. And the legs I have barely support me. But throughout the physical pain, the mental pain strikes me worse. -shakes his head- I am truly dissapointed in myself. And squarely myself.

Last night for the Superbowl, I was hanging out over at my bro's house. Both Allen and I, as well as Ted my roommate, was drinking. We had two tiny shots of tequila, mixed into a Jack Daniels Downhome Punch into the Jack's half gallon container. That was our chaser. And we chased a liquor called Fighting Cock, which is 103 proof. 51% pure alchohol. So throughout the course of the game, we had consumed all that. Then during the last half mind you. I got that tanked before the football game's 4th quarter even began. Then during the beginning of the fourth quarter. Allen, Ted, and I decided to walk to the liquor store. And buy a 5th of Mad Dog. Of course I downed a cup full of that. And then the game ended.

There was a half an hour left before 11 when I left Allen's. But where did I go? I went to a party that Ted left with Lonnie and Alanna all went to. So I went and found the party after they left because it was close. And I was already feeling good. I figured I would go, talk for a little bit, and then get home to talk to Jordan.

However what I did was, get a challenge from an Indian dude. And he was going on about how he could outdrink everyone there. And wanted to see who would be brave enough to do Tequila Shots with him, and match him. But he didn't have shot glasses. All he had was a bottlf of Tequila. So he took a swig from the bottle and handed it to me because he took a big gulp. Well I just downed the rest of the bottle. And that is what did it to me. I stumbled home, and got in my room. Then all I remember are the flashes of some of the things that went on last night. I recieved alchohol poisoning, and what's worse. Is I lashed out at everybody. It was crazy...from what I was told

I was puking up blood. Trying to destroy things and people. I just lost control over every fucking thing. And I just didn't see myself doing it. I was close to dying last night. And if it hadn't been for Allen and Carrie I would have. I am just so dissappointed in myself, for putting Jordan, Allen, Carrie, and my family through it. As a result I had to go to the emergency room. Allen was trying to control me all night long. Shoving me, I fell into my stand by my bed and broke it. When the paramedics got there, I actually spit in a female paramedic's face. Now charged with an MIP and Simple Assault. They brought me to the hospital, had me in restraints. Putting vinegar in my IV. I was thrashing against the restraints. I do remember a nurse putting a pissing can thing in my lap so I could piss. But I couldn't do it laying down. And what did they do. They stuck a cathodor in me. I don't know how to spell that.

I have just fucked up so bad. Now I have fines and charges on top of my rent that's late. While I'm trying to get the job at McDonalds. -sighs-

My brother said "You're just now starting to hit Rock Bottom."

But ya know what. FUCK THAT.

I am not hitting rock bottom. I almost fuckin died from this shit. So now shit is going to change. I am not putting another fuckin drop of alchohol in my mouth. Ever. And if people don't believe me all "Yeah everyone says that." Well then fuck you, because I am god damn serious.

I'm gonna figure a way out of this little shithole i've put myself into. And I'm gonna start doing what I want to do. Like writing my book. I'm gonna take classes for some creative writing when I get up enough money. I'm gonna be with Jordan, if she can still stand me throughout all this, and for definite.
I feel so weak. But yet at the same time, from this I'm only going to be stronger than ever. You watch.
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